His superficial belief that he wants someone else’s woman for the convenience is a lie he defensively tells himself.
The reality is he’s looking for love like the rest of us and afraid of what he’ll find.
She can go back to her husband when we’re done making love, right? The problem comes in when over time an attachment forms between the married woman and her ‘other man.’ Now she is growing used to the arrangement and has convinced herself that the triangle makes her disappointing marriage tolerable.
If the ‘other man’ gets attached he will inevitably at some point start needing more from the married woman. My heart goes out to him more than any one else in this arrangement because he is usually the one who gets disturbed first and has more to lose.
By the way, when people say they are afraid of intimacy think ‘exposure’ to what they themselves have difficulty accepting in themselves.
You are engaged in what is commonly thought of as a ‘triangle.’ Triangles are rough on the heart.
He may start thinking about asking her to leave her husband. He could be thrown out of the triangle and the married couple could end up fixing their relationship, this could happen.
The ‘other man’ gets painfully left out, not yet knowing that is the best thing that could happen to him.
Instead defensive stuff happens like distancing from each other or finding another lover to make up for what is not happening in the marriage.
The problem is you can’t get a piece of what you need from one person and another piece from someone else and expect to have a stable and satisfying love-life. What you get instead is fragmentation, conflict, and limited intimacy.